Saturday, September 22, 2012

Statically Stressed

You might have noticed that I haven't posted in 2 weeks. I'm not here to apologize for this. I'm just posting so people know why.


I mean, I was going to post on how I did better than I expected at the Ludum Dare. How my idea was chosen for a major project at school for the Experimental Entertainment Technology class. A project that would mix video games and robotics in a robot zombie swarm. How the other job I have, at the game company, that there are exciting changes going on. Changes that will put me as having a TLA as a job title.

I wanted to talk all about that... but I haven't had the chance, or the energy. My mother was hospitalized last Sunday morning and has mostly been in a coma since. We don't fully know what's going on, and by that I mean we see the symptoms but don't understand the overall cause. High ammonia in the blood, white cell counts, blood pressure, seizures, and swelling of the brain. List.Cause() returns NULL. 

So that's the why of my not posting. It's really hard to concentrate on writing/coding/thinking when you have no idea what's going on with a family member, let alone my mother. Which, I guess, is a good segue to something I need to get off my chest right now.

I've been asked by a few, some in private and at least one that I would describe as "calling me out in the open, as to why I'm still sitting here in AZ rather than making a trip to be at my mother's bedside. I'm going to be truthful here when I say "What good would it do?" I'm not that mobile: I have 18 credits in school, 32 hours a week at one job, at least that many if not more at the other. Add in 2 projects (Senior and Entertainment ones) and you get a mix that isn't exactly mobile. I have to drop a lot of things to make that 8 hour drive to go up the CA.

And what good would it do? This is the hardest thing for people outside of my immediate family to understand. The answer is nothing, as cold as that sounds. I would be, yes, at her bed side but there wouldn't be a goddamned thing I could do to fix my mother. I would be, from my first waking moment to the last before I sleep, be thinking about the state of my mother. I would get nothing done, I doubt eating or even sleeping, while there. This sounds very, very cold but I really would rather work. Honestly I think she would rather me work. And by "work" I mean "not broken down in a corner, in a fetal position, crying" kind of "work".

My psyche is already being held together with the mental equivalent of bailing wire, chewing gum, and half a roll of duct tape. Working, either at school or a job, is the fuel for the bailing wire, chewing gum, and duct tape.

[UPDATE 12:38 9/22] Oh praise Dagon. I got a call about an hour ago that brought me good (but also worrisome) news. My mother is awake. She was able to raise her left and right hands (the correct ones when asked). The issue? Her white blood cell count is due to an antibiotic resistant infection in her throat. Last check she was off to get X-rays to get a better idea of what is going on. Still, STELLAR FUCKING NEWS *fist pump*

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